Should I Date Someone Who Smokes?

Chemistry: The problem with deal-breakers is that there’s a lot of nuance to these so-called deal-breakers. The most obvious and common deal-breaker is smoking. Some people will never date a smoker. This shouldn’t be an automatic rule unless it’s a deal-breaker for your chemistry with that person. Maybe you hate the smell of smoke, maybe your parents were smokers and so you can’t feel good dating someone like that. But if you’re just against the idea of smoking, then you might want to look more closely.

Character: Under the Two Chis principle, you should ask, “How does their smoking relate to questions of character?” Smoking has implications primarily on the responsibility aspect of character. Is this person a responsible steward of their body and their life? Some people just got stuck on cigarettes because they were young, and it’s been impossible to quit. If they are otherwise very disciplined in every other aspect of their life, then you might want to give the smoker a second look.

For others, smoking cigarettes is indicative of a general irresponsibility in their lives, and it comes bundled with other vices, like drinking, flaking out at work, lack of punctuality, etc. Smoking also has some implications with regards to the respect dimension of character. This may be a modern issue, because smoking is much more socially inappropriate than it was two decades ago. Someone who smokes in public, making others inhale their fumes, is in a way disrespectful of other people’s clean air. So, I would watch to see whether the smoker is discrete about it, or if they have an in-your-face, proud way about it.

I smoked for a year in my twenties. And I smoked about a pack a month. And I gave it up just as easily as I adopted it. I never smoked enough to affect the way my clothes or breath smelled, nor enough to affect my health. There’s so many varieties of smoking, that by making an across-the-board generalization, you’re writing off a large portion of your possibilities.

Should I Date Someone Who is an Alcoholic?

Character: I once heard the expression, “You cannot trust anyone with an addiction.” I think there’s a lot of truth to that. Alcohol in particular is especially relevant to that because it transforms people into something they’re not normally, and so how can you trust someone who lives with two personalities inside of them. How can one person make promises that they know their second, inner-self won’t keep up with? How can someone know themselves truly if they switch selves every time they hit the bottle. How can they promise they’ll be faithful if they can’t control the person who they’ll be when they’re drunk?

I know what you’re thinking, “They can change.” If that’s what you’re thinking, then I would ask clarifying questions. How long have they been an alcoholic? Does it run in their family? Is it contextual, like based on stressful events in their lives? I think the most important question to help answer the change question is, how responsible is this person? Do they have a stable job? Are they able to keep their appointments? Have they led an otherwise successful life? People who otherwise take care of themselves are very likely to dedicate themselves to changing something if they know it impacts their loved ones. If they’re otherwise a slob, and their life is always falling apart, then how can you expect them to change this crucial aspect of their life?

The implications for respect and caring are similar to the other answers I’ve given about addiction. Alcohol does have serious implications to citizenship as well: does your partner drive drunk often? There is a special place in hell reserved for drunk drivers, and so you have to ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone who is a danger to the rest of society? You may not be thinking of kids now, but don’t you want to be with someone who can be a role model?

Chemistry: As for the chemistry issues, you may like being around someone who drinks. You may find all the activities that go along with it to be really enjoyable. You may like going out, you may like going to clubs, and you may like the way they treat you when they’re tipsy. That’s all fine and dandy, but remember you are liable to grow tired of that with time. If the alcoholism plays a big role in your relationship, be careful if the character issues that crop up from it don’t start to weaken the attraction you initially had for your partner. You may have initially found their alcoholic bravado charming, but eventually find it disappointing.

Should I Date Someone Who I Have Deep Conversations with, but Am Not Attracted To?

Chemistry: I believe that it is certainly possible to have great conversations with someone and still not have an overall chemistry and attraction to that person. Seeing someone as an equal, with whom you can lose yourself in wonderful talk, is a great thing, but it can go in two different directions.

For some people, when the conversation ends, it makes you want to end it with intimacy. At every good turn of the conversation, you feel yourself deepening in your interest in the other person. You feel yourself drawing in, wanting to order more drinks, and wanting to linger. At the end of it, you want to cap all the wonderful talk coming out of those lips with a kiss, or something more.

For other people, you come away feeling satisfied and invigorated, but ready to go back to your regular life. The conversation doesn’t linger romantically in your head. It doesn’t make you visualize the other person and their beautiful features. It doesn’t make you impatient for the next time you can see that person again. Instead, it’s like having a great workout partner. You had fun, are glad for the company, but otherwise, there’s nothing more you want.

Chemistry can be broken down into two components. There’s dynamic chemistry, like when you’re doing an activity together, when you’re talking, or when you’re intimate. And there’s static chemistry, which is more the attraction you feel thinking about who the partner is and what you see just sitting there, looking at them. The conversation aspect weighs in on both dimensions of chemistry. It both ranks high up there on the kind of features we expect or want from the ideal relationship, and it’s probably the number one activity, in terms of time spent, that you will share with your partner.

So, if you are having those deep conversations, but don’t see any sparks, then there’s probably something bigger and unspoken that is sinking your chemistry with that partner. I would be very weary about continuing to date this person.

Character: I don’t see any real implications for evaluating the character of your partner based on this. There may, however, be implications for your character if you’re in this situation. Your partner may imagine that these great conversations imply great sparks in the relationship, and so you want to be honest with them if you’re not.

Should I Be with Someone Who I Don’t Have Deep Conversations with, but I Am Attracted to?

Chemistry: Chemistry can be divided into two components, dynamic and static chemistry. Dynamic chemistry is the chemistry that exists in real-time while you’re doing an activity together or being intimate. Static chemistry is the chemistry you feel about the person when you think of them, or when you simply look on and ponder them. Conversation is a big player in both dynamic and static chemistry. It represents probably the most frequent activity you will share with your partner, and it’s a highly ranked feature that people look for in a relationship.

The conversation component could be anywhere from so-so to horrible, and so if it’s anywhere in the far negative end of the spectrum, you probably shouldn’t continue. You may find your partner beautiful or intelligent, but without at least some basic verbal chemistry, the relationship won’t have much else to stand on. The rest of the chemistry will have to come from activities and intimacy, and so you’ll constantly find yourself escaping into activities, which will eventually wear the relationship out.

Another question to keep in mind is, “What role do conversations play in your life?” Are you a quiet-type or do you like long meandering talks that last for hours. Depending on where you stand, you can raise or lower your bar as for the kind of conversational chemistry you need. This bar-raising, though, should be automatic, and so you should be able to have a gut feeling about whether the conversation-aspect is a persistent thorn in your chemistry with that person.

It can take some time for two people to get in sync conversationally. They may be shy initially, and only open up once they trust you. Or you may be overly boastful initially, because you’re trying to impress your partner. I would give at least 40 hours of talk-time before writing off the coversation’s contribution to chemistry. You can never be for sure if things won’t change, but if after 40 hours, you find yourself constantly bored or antsy when talking to your partner, you’d be grasping at straws if you hung on, hoping things will change.

It is possible to learn conversational skills. You both could read a book on Dale Carnegie and learn a thing or two, but that won’t fundamentally change your shared conversational spirit. Your partner’s tone, rhythm and attitude is as much an ingrained reflection of their personality as the pattern of expressions they wear on their face. The U.S. government, at one point, was considering using gait recognition to uniquely identify passengers based on how they walked. I think they could probably do the same thing with the way people talk. Your conversation is very much your signature, and so if you’re not feeling that “tsa tsa tzu” (as they say on Sex and the City) in the conversation after you’ve gotten to know them, don’t expect to see that change. It’s like expecting to see them smile differently, move differently, or have a different accent, i.e. be someone else.

Character: n/a

Should I Date Someone Who I Don’t Have Deep Conversations with, but Am Attracted to?

Chemistry: Chemistry can be divided into two components, dynamic and static chemistry. Dynamic chemistry is the chemistry that exists in real-time while you’re doing an activity together or being intimate. Static chemistry is the chemistry you feel about the person when you think of them, or when you simply look on and ponder them. Conversation is a big player in both dynamic and static chemistry. It represents probably the most frequent activity you will share with your partner, and it’s a highly ranked feature that people look for in a relationship.

The conversation component could be anywhere from so-so to horrible, and so if it’s anywhere in the far negative end of the spectrum, you probably shouldn’t continue. You may find your partner beautiful or intelligent, but without at least some basic verbal chemistry, the relationship won’t have much else to stand on. The rest of the chemistry will have to come from activities and intimacy, and so you’ll constantly find yourself escaping into activities, which will eventually wear the relationship out.

Another question to keep in mind is, “What role do conversations play in your life?” Are you a quiet-type or do you like long meandering talks that last for hours. Depending on where you stand, you can raise or lower your bar as for the kind of conversational chemistry you need. This bar-raising, though, should be automatic, and so you should be able to have a gut feeling about whether the conversation-aspect is a persistent thorn in your chemistry with that person.

It can take some time for two people to get in sync conversationally. They may be shy initially, and only open up once they trust you. Or you may be overly boastful initially, because you’re trying to impress your partner. I would give at least 40 hours of talk-time before writing off the coversation’s contribution to chemistry. You can never be for sure if things won’t change, but if after 40 hours, you find yourself constantly bored or antsy when talking to your partner, you’d be grasping at straws if you hung on, hoping things will change.

It is possible to learn conversational skills. You both could read a book on Dale Carnegie and learn a thing or two, but that won’t fundamentally change your shared conversational spirit. Your partner’s tone, rhythm and attitude is as much an ingrained reflection of their personality as the pattern of expressions they wear on their face. The U.S. government, at one point, was considering using gait recognition to uniquely identify passengers based on how they walked. I think they could probably do the same thing with the way people talk. Your conversation is very much your signature, and so if you’re not feeling that “tsa tsa tzu” (as they say on Sex and the City) in the conversation after you’ve gotten to know them, don’t expect to see that change. It’s like expecting to see them smile differently, move differently, or have a different accent, i.e. be someone else.

Character: n/a