Should I Date Someone Who . . .

Should I Date Someone Who Is Not Kinky Enough?

Chemistry: If your partner is not kinky enough, then that probably translates for you into emotions of boredom or frustration. You you may still look forward to sex, but you probably feel dissatisfied or frustrated after it ends. I think this could be a big deal for your chemistry in a few scenarios. If sex is a big part of your identity, then minor changes in sexual chemistry will have major effects on your overall feel for your partner.

Another case is if the sex is a microcosm about your overall feelings for your partner. If you’re bored with the sex, perhaps it’s a projection of your overall boredom with your partner. In which case, your chemistry is flawed with this person, and you should consider leaving.

A lot depends, though, on at what stage in the relationship you’re in. If you haven’t had a chance to communicate your deepest needs yet, it would make sense to wait till the point when you can have more open conversations about sex. On the other hand, if sex is so high up on your list of needs (higher than conversation, for example), and your partner is completely prude, then it seems unlikely that this chemistry gap will ever be mended with time.

Character: According to the rules of good character, it’s important that your partner is respectful. If the lack of “kinkiness” in your partner is actually because they make you feel ashamed for what you want, then your partner isn’t very respectful. This partner will disrespect you in other aspects of your life. On the other hand, if your partner is trying to be flexible, making sure you both enjoy the whole experience, then that shows good character.

The lack of kinkiness, though, can also indicate that your partner isn’t very caring. Do they notice you’re frustrated or bored? Do they ask you follow-up questions to try to improve the situation for you? Or do they not even see you? If you feel like it takes your partner a lot of work to “get it”, then how can you expect your partner to care about your interests in other aspects of your life? You can’t blame them though, if you’re not doing at least some communication. But keep in mind, there is some responsibility for your partner to feel what you feel. After all, feeling what your partner feels is one of the most enjoyable aspects of sex.