Should I Date Someone Who . . .

Should I Date Someone Who I Have Deep Conversations with, but Am Not Attracted To?

Chemistry: I believe that it is certainly possible to have great conversations with someone and still not have an overall chemistry and attraction to that person. Seeing someone as an equal, with whom you can lose yourself in wonderful talk, is a great thing, but it can go in two different directions.

For some people, when the conversation ends, it makes you want to end it with intimacy. At every good turn of the conversation, you feel yourself deepening in your interest in the other person. You feel yourself drawing in, wanting to order more drinks, and wanting to linger. At the end of it, you want to cap all the wonderful talk coming out of those lips with a kiss, or something more.

For other people, you come away feeling satisfied and invigorated, but ready to go back to your regular life. The conversation doesn’t linger romantically in your head. It doesn’t make you visualize the other person and their beautiful features. It doesn’t make you impatient for the next time you can see that person again. Instead, it’s like having a great workout partner. You had fun, are glad for the company, but otherwise, there’s nothing more you want.

Chemistry can be broken down into two components. There’s dynamic chemistry, like when you’re doing an activity together, when you’re talking, or when you’re intimate. And there’s static chemistry, which is more the attraction you feel thinking about who the partner is and what you see just sitting there, looking at them. The conversation aspect weighs in on both dimensions of chemistry. It both ranks high up there on the kind of features we expect or want from the ideal relationship, and it’s probably the number one activity, in terms of time spent, that you will share with your partner.

So, if you are having those deep conversations, but don’t see any sparks, then there’s probably something bigger and unspoken that is sinking your chemistry with that partner. I would be very weary about continuing to date this person.

Character: I don’t see any real implications for evaluating the character of your partner based on this. There may, however, be implications for your character if you’re in this situation. Your partner may imagine that these great conversations imply great sparks in the relationship, and so you want to be honest with them if you’re not.